you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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