Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
