Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
