I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My friends, they love my intelligence
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
