How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
