How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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