I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
