1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Randomize
