I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
