She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
