Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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