Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
