I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
