You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize