apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
FUCK WHALES
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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