he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
