alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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