So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
