Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
