suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
