I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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