Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
