When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
