Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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