I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
