Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
