the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
