This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
