I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
