There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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