I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
