It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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