it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
