He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
