I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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