my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
