Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
