Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
