I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
