I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
