Your mouth is God's brothel.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
