I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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