jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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