I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
