Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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