Having a random hookup so left but love u
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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