No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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