wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
