Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
