i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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