i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
