OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
