and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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