Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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