Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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