I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
