You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
