my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
