How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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