There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This is my gift to your gina
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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