I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
